Of a certain, beautiful age

Maybe I won't truly understand the phenomenon until I cross some invisible line between middle age and "older," but for now I'm a bit perplexed about why women of a certain age have so much trouble seeing their beauty.


With a nice round number creeping up to mark off the years of my life, I find myself looking around at women 10 to 20 years or so older than I am. I know that a lot of women my age are still very much of a mind to compare themselves to their contemporaries, as well as to women much younger, but I find that exercise pointless.  It edifies no one.


But when I look through my car window and see a woman in a car across from mine--one who is old enough to be an older sister or mother to me--I can't help feeling like I want to put the window down and say, "Has anyone told you recently how divinely beautiful you are? Has anyone told you how thankful they are for you and your life?" If I actually pulled a stunt like that I'm sure there would be a lot of awkward responses and quick getaways, but the idea of "older" women finding a new cache of beauty in themselves warms my heart just the same.


Some have gorgeous skin and twinkling eyes.  Some are wrinkled and worn. Some look younger than their years, and some look much older. Yet each woman is a treasure...someone special with much to continue sharing into the world...and into our lives...into my life.

Today I met a lovely woman named Deborah. She was just beautiful. Her voice. Her demeanor. Her smile. The gleam in her eyes...everything about her was attractive, and she looked, acted, and sounded so remarkably like someone I hold dear that I was a bit overcome with emotion. When Deborah noticed how flustered I became I couldn't help fidgeting with my phone and pulling up a photo for her to see.


The revelation in the air between Deborah and me was extraordinary. I was breathing in the sacred sweetness of God's little gift to me at a moment when I was sorely missing the beautiful woman in the photograph. And Deborah was exhaling gratitude for having seen herself in that same woman's beauty...as though she'd forgotten her own extraordinary loveliness, and had been given a glamorous self-portrait.  


Deborah wasn't looking at the photo and remembering herself as a once-attractive, middle aged woman of declining worth and beauty. Deborah looked at the photo and saw herself beautiful in the here and now. If I could only reproduce and package the sudden, glorious awareness that Deborah exuded! I'd run around giving it away free to every woman I could find. It was a spectacular moment.

I couldn't help wishing that I could at least capture Deborah's precious self-recognition.  I'd have fused it through the picture and into the woman whose face was smiling out from my screen. After all, when you receive a compliment like the one Deborah emitted so delightfully and spontaneously, you should be able to feast on it a bit.


Perhaps this post is no great insight for anyone--no clever or wise commentary on the things of the Spirit--but I can't help putting these thoughts out into the world, and hoping that everyone who stumbles upon them will be inspired to raise up and celebrate each woman they encounter...especially women of a certain, beautiful age.


Here's a few examples of what they look like so you'll be sure to recognize 'em all around you...

Aren't they just beautiful...?!?!?!

Sometimes People Just Love You

While The Littlest Miss (a.k.a. The Wee Lass) and I were praying our goodnight prayers tonight, an image floated through my mind and then pitched a tent. I could see the person we were praying for (actually I mostly saw her workspace) and my prayer words were not my own. I believe the Holy Spirit formed each thought and syllable--articulated each word. It was one of those blessed moments when you know you're not driving and God is present.

The prayer was centered around the request that, in His mercy, God would provide someone we love with a revelation...one that really opened up a pathway to rediscovering faith, God, passion, and purpose. Tears flowed warm and gentle as the words flowed likewise. The power of God's unfailing love was in the room.


When prayer time was over and I kissed The Wee Lass goodnight, I remembered the famous line from Nat King Cole's song, "Nature Boy."

The greatest thing you'll ever learn is just to love and be loved in return.

The line just repeated quietly in the background of my thoughts, as I took in the sweetness of being so close to God. I couldn't help thinking about how much we miss of love's beautiful simplicity...the "just" in the "just to love" that has no concern about failures or frailties...no fears about expectations or exposure. It just is. 

Just love and be loved in return. Just stop worrying about your facades...the you it feels like you should be, or the you people think you are, the you that you think people want you to be. All of that gets in the way and kills us off from the inside out.

Just love and be loved in return. Just stop fretting about whether what you have to give is enough, whether it is what others want, or whether you think you have anything left to give at all.  Just love and be loved in return.

I know that when I pray for the people I love, especially the people I love and cherish from the depths of my soul, I cannot avoid wanting to be loved in return. That's natural. We all want to be loved by the ones we love. 

But we waste so much energy and time and light worrying about trying to keep some perfect balance where no one in the mix ever feels deprived of their share, or like they are receiving more than they can return. What a waste of ATP! What a terrible, imposing weight to put on the experience that should be the best to live in and the lightest to carry.

That doesn't mean that love has no price, or that it never pushes us beyond our comfort zones.  It means that that you just except love as a grand transaction created, directed, and purposed for God...for His honor and glory...and you just give it...you just receive it.

Sometimes...people just love you...whoever you are, whatever you are, however you are, wherever you are, why-ever you are...whenever you are...forever. Sometimes people just love you...because God made them, and brought them into your life for just that reason...

1 Corinthians 13:4-8

New King James Version (NKJV)

⁴ Love suffers long and is kind; love does not envy; love does not parade itself, is not puffed up; ⁵ does not behave rudely, does not seek its own, is not provoked, thinks no evil; ⁶ does not rejoice in iniquity, but rejoices in the truth; ⁷ bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.
⁸ Love never fails. 

Oxymoron: Extra Grace Required

Jesus and I had a moment together in the Spirit this morning.

OK...it was more like several moments...a spiritual staring contest where I raised a stern eyebrow in the direction of His church, and Jesus raised a gentle eyebrow back to my own heart. 

Clearly the whole matter was not resolved entirely for me, as here I am lingering in the implications, and still wondering what (if anything) He intends to do with my heart's pained indictments.

Why such a hard attitude?

I'd learned recently that around some ministries, wounded folks--people struggling to find peace and hope in the midst of messy life crises--are marked out amongst the leadership as "EGR"  - Extra Grace Required. 



My guts immediately seized in response.  How snarky! How utterly disrespectful, patronizing, and downright cruel to reduce people in the care of Christ's church to an acronym.

I grieved (and continue to grieve) that there are surely a few circumstances and ministries in which I have almost certainly been marked out by this reductionist, catch-all terminology. 


Here's the deal...

I wake each morning, just as everyone else, and I am set to the task of clinging to Christ for another 24 hours of navigating through a fallen world.  I am covered in the scars of vicious, soul-wounding abuses, and weighed by their traumatizing psychological, physical, and spiritual aftermath.  Seen in that light, I can say with a resounding "YES!" that I require extra grace on a nano-second by nano-second basis. This acknowledgement is the sort of daily revelation that my faith has taught my heart to celebrate with a beautiful humility.

Yet I have to wonder...Does anyone really see themselves any differently?  Is there anyone among us who doesn't operate under the expectation of "extra" grace as a requirement for daily living?  The whole point of grace...at least the grace in Christ that I know...is that it is extra in every way.  It is above and beyond what we deserve.  Grace is one of the glorious extras given to us in lavish abundance through the supernatural (extra) power and manifestation of the risen Lord, the Holy Spirit.


Yeesh!!!


It makes a gal bristle to imagine a group of folks, charged with the spiritual care and discipleship of others, labeling the more visibly wounded souls of this world as somehow more in need of God's grace than themselves.  That notion smacks of a kind of moral and spiritual superiority--a complete lack of UN-graciousness toward anyone who does not fit into a convenient mold, or follow like a lemming.

It would seem to me that the whole point of "extra" grace...to the degree that I even believe in the concept...is that the person on the receiving end is lifted up, treated with genuine gentleness and kindness, rather than passed along to successive ministries with a roll of the eyes and a huff at the difficulty involved in caring for such a one.  

Perhaps there is a universal rationing of grace that only those in high places know about...?

This view of grace troubles me deeply. I imagine it like the last drop of expensive perfume in a gaudy bottle...something that only the wealthiest have access to, and which they have determined to share sparingly with folks who don't smell quite so fine. 


If the old hymn holds any wisdom, and if there is truly grace that is greater than all my sin, then there surely has to be enough grace to cover my wounded self (and its consequent weaknesses) while still leaving more than enough to cover everyone else's.

And at these thoughts my heart dropped.  


How many times, I wondered, have I acted impoverished and put upon to serve as God's purveyor of grace?  How many times have I responded to others with an attitude of superiority and impatience, as if I were being asked to tap into MY special reserves of grace rather than the Father's?  No matter how many times I pluck logs out of my own eyes it still hurts like hell in my heart.

But my spirit lifts as that pain gives way to remembering how amazing grace saved a wretch like me.

I am reminded afresh today that grace is not mine to dispense on an ad hoc basis or with a heart filled with judgment.  The fractures and scars in this broken vessel of light known as me have been filled to overflowing with God's grace, which was purchased for a wretch like me upon the Cross.  His grace is not for me to portion out to others more difficult and pathetic than me, but to let flow freely from the never-ending source through me.

Extra Grace Required...?  Oh yes!  I could not live without it.

Your Eyes Will Be Opened: Then you'll have...control

Man is subject to innumerable pains and sorrows by the very condition of humanity, and yet, as if nature had not sown evils enough in life, we are continually adding grief to grief and aggravating the common calamity by our cruel treatment of one another.  
~ Joseph Addison


I suppose there's a certain unavoidable reality in the fact that some people will always be awful..the Hitlers of the world.

But I can't even begin to wrap my head around what has to happen in a person's psyche to produce a beast like that.  Yeesh!

And I guess there is no getting around the fact that not every personality is companionable.

OK, and sometimes folks do things without realizing that something unkind or cruel has transpired.

"Oops! Sorry!" isn't always a zero to "That's OK; you're forgiven" scenario, but who could go a lifetime without making mistakes that yield unintended negative effects?

Yet the cruelest things so often transpire between people who love each other, and it just seems so incomprehensible. How does someone who was once your best friend in life, or in marriage, or someone who is your close kin end up hurting you so badly?  


What is up with that?

An article in Psychology Today offers this tidbit of insight, saying "[t]he price of being able to to behave freely without having to consider every consequence of your deeds is saying and doing things that may hurt." 

And Bishop T.D. Jakes offers this relationship wisdom.

I believe much of what Bishop Jakes has to say about Confidants in particular.  

"Your Confidants are FOR YOU! They are into you...They come get you out the crack house. They will get in your business. They will tell you when you're wrong...Your Confidants will weep with you when you weep, and they will rejoice with you when you rejoice...They are FOR YOU!"

But just the same...sometimes your confidants will become purveyors of pain and cruelty...even betrayers. It happens. And the resulting hurt can be outrageous...leaving everyone rather stunned and wondering how it could have happened.

Personally, I can't help thinking that a lot of the cruel things we do to one another are really far more about what I think of as a gene...something in the DNA that is all about control. 

Wasn't it a control issue that ultimately raised Eve's hand and led her to take the bite of forbidden fruit?

⁴ The serpent said to the woman, “You surely will not die! ⁵ For God knows that in the day you eat from it your eyes will be opened, and you will be like God, knowing good and evil.” 

Thinking of the pain we cause one another in terms of control helps shine Light into the abyss of darkness that seeks to swallow up relationships from the inside out.

I suppose someone could argue that the cruelty we inflict upon one another...whether we are at the bottom wrung of the moral ladder (Hitler) or the friends and family who cherish one another (most of the rest of us) is unavoidable since we are inherently sinful.


But...Hmmm...I dunno...I smell copout.  Just sayin'.


Maybe that's a reasonable answer for folks who don't have a personal, saving relationship with Jesus, but for followers of Jesus...?  Really?  How do we take such a low road?


Jesus told the Pharisses that aside from loving God, the greatest commandment is to love one another as ourselves.  


So are we really willing to give ourselves permission to cave in to the control offered us by the serpent versus the commandment insisted upon by Jesus? 


Kinda lame, no? Very weak. Totally sinful. Again...just sayin'.


We don't always know right away when we have hurt someone, and we don't always realize when we have been cruel.  Sometimes we do, though.  But whatever the situation, here's the reality for those of us who care about living lives of intention for the glory of Jesus...


John 13:35

New American Standard Bible (NASB)

³⁵ By this all men will know that you are My disciples, if you have love for one another.”

Love is supposed to show...so that others can see it...so that we can see it. It's just that simple. Love has nothing whatsoever to do with control. In fact, quite the opposite is true.

When Nathan came to David and told the parable of the rich man who mistreated the poor man, David's heart was changed.  He wanted to make it right.  His heart changed.  David repented, took the Lord's discipline, and turned his life around. The Lord blessed him.

We look to the Lord for blessings day in and day out, but are we willing to relinquish the control that leads us into sin that hurts the ones we love...the ones we shouldn't hurt at all?

Caution: American Idol at Work

I wonder if there is a correlation between the golden days, when folks worked an entire career for the same company, and national prosperity. 

I also wonder if the skyrocketing number of people who are medicated through each day can be directly linked to the increasing "dazzle or die" corporate culture that seems to be the order of the day now...in the office...in the church...in relationships.  


It just seems like people are under an awful lot of pressure, in more and more areas of life, to "Wow!" nonstop.  Everything is competition.  It's like living in a pressure chamber that insists upon a constant state of perfectly measured paradoxes.


You must be in a continually balanced state of humble, but bold; authentic, but popular; beautiful, but organic; motivated, but not bossy; sympathetic, but not emotional; available, but busy, willing to learn, but totally skilled; flexible, but firm...and it goes on and on.  And if you cannot sustain peak performance at this complex high temperature setting then...

And it doesn't just happen at work... 

We are pressured to perform, produce, and perfect in our friendships, marriages, business relationships, churches, children...even our pets. Perform or perish. Satisfy the order of the day, or get put on the watch list for ejection...or is it rejection?


In a world where people live longer and the pool of "applicants" for the rewards of time, attention, and compensation is larger and larger, I guess it's easy to keep demands high and treat everyone and everything as expendable.


A lot of leaders are celebrated for having the ability to make the tough decisions and "make changes to the organization" that involve letting people go.  But I wonder what our national economy and our national health would be like if leaders were celebrated for investing in people...for really mentoring the people under their authority...For finding ways to carry the weak during the tough times, and build them back up to health and productivity...


I haven't done the research, but I have a feeling the Perpetual Perfect Performance Productivity Pressure Pot is killing us all from the inside out. 

Take two and call me in the morning...

For that is very much better

Philippians 1:21-23

New American Standard Bible (NASB)

To Live Is Christ

 ²¹ For to me, to live is Christ and to die is gain. ^22 [a]But if I am to live on in the flesh, this will mean fruitful labor for me; and I do not know ^[b]which to choose. ²³ But I am hard-pressed from both directions, having the desire to depart and be with Christ, for that is very much better;

Paul had it right. Why would anyone want to be away from Christ one moment longer than absolutely necessary? There are enjoyments and blessings here, but compared to eternity in Glory...no tears, no pain, no death, no loss, no sickness, no betrayal, no suffering, no strife.  All love and worship and joy. No brainer.

I don't think Paul was knocking the blessings of this life, but he knew from rough experience that "to live is Christ" also means to live like Christ...suffering and serving. 

Love for the savior through the power of the Holy Spirit is what fills us with the love for Christ we need to serve...and suffer for...His people, His Name, His Glory. Paul would never say his ministry wasn't an honor or a blessing.  

But given the choice between blessings mixed with jail, hunger, beatings, arguing, rejection, poverty, abandonment...c'mon...

To be with Christ...THAT IS VERY MUCH BETTER...

Disposable Sheep and the Church Brand

These days, I think often about Luke 15:14 and Matthew 18:12.


If I am remembering the setting correctly, Jesus is having a meal at the home of a Pharisee. Luke tells us that the tax collectors and sinners drew near as Jesus offered parables to teach about God's grace and mercy...God's heart of redemption for the lost.

When I look closely at the ways Luke and Matthew describe the lost sheep in this parable, I notice a subtle distinction.  Luke describes the missing sheep only as lost. Matthew describes a sheep that has wandered astray. 

In other words, it doesn't matter whether we're talking about a sheep who has haphazardly, or even willingly gone astray. Lost is lost, and it's the shepherd's duty to take the risks and attempt the rescue.  

David, once the young shepherd of his father's fold, told King Saul about fighting off wild animals to protect, defend, and rescue the sheep. David talks about beasts that tried to snatch the sheep from his fold, and we might do well to understand David's anecdote as more than just a report, but also a metaphor that reminds us of the warning in 1 Peter 5:8. 

It may well be incumbent upon the sheep to beware and resist the lion, but in the end it is the shepherd's responsibility to ensure their safety in the fold.


Unblemished sheep...those without illness, weakness, or defect...were required for Old Testament sacrifices. Sick or wounded sheep were probably more of a burden than a value to the shepherd. 


Yet regardless of whether a sheep wandered off foolishly, or came to be lost as a consequence of weakness, the shepherd's duty was likely the same...restoration to the fold...at least that's what the illustration that immediately follows the Parable of the Lost Sheep sets out to teach us.


The Parable of the Prodigal Son makes it clear that the reasons for becoming "lost" are irrelevant. The lost are longed for in their absence and treasured in their restoration. No doubt that prodigal's father was ever in prayer, and ever watching the horizon for his boy to return. And that father was well-prepared to welcome his son with emotion, joy, celebration, and honor. 

What interests me in these two parables is their representation of God as savior and God as Father. 


The Good Shepherd goes after his lost sheep and carries them back to the fold on his own neck. He risks much...including his own life. 

God our Father loves us lavishly. It is His delight to do so. He waits with hope and is prepared to make much of our return. 


What troubles me is how often these verses are preached by pastors and valued by elders, who want us to understand God's sacrifice and love. But how often do we see such sacrifice and love exerted for people who fall from our church folds...or even from our Christian lives? Presumably the parables are more than metaphors for God and His people. We should also read these texts as models of human responsibility and care for God's people.


It's pretty sad that we don't usually act on what we read. 


A lost sheep is lost for a reason. A sheep well, or wise, or strong, or able enough to stay with the fold wouldn't need anyone to pursue it. And not all lost sheep are initially happy to be rescued. They may initially be fearful and uncooperative. They may be prone to wander again and again. 


Maybe I'm too much of an idealist or something, but I don't think the disposition of the sheep necessarily changes the shepherd's job description.


Last I checked pastoring and discipling aren't laid out in the scriptures as well-paying gigs with nice offices, good vacations, study times, free meals, and frequent flyer miles. 


Shepherding and fathering/discipling are two very difficult careers where the demands are high and a fruitful yield may be a long time coming. 


Souls not sales. 


If you come to the work saying it's your calling but working like it's a job at Corporate...I dunno...  


When I look around, talk to others, and reflect upon my own experiences as a sheep in the fold, I see a sorrowful trend toward disposable sheep. During my times of being wounded and lost at church, the number of pastorally-initiated calls I received to ensure my care and my restoration to the fold was precisely...ZERO.

No pastor called to ask what I needed, how they could pray for me, or offer me a clear path of restoration. No pastor sought me out, risked anything for me, or carried me to safety around their neck. No lions or bears were fought for me. 


No pastor watched the horizon for my return, or made me feel valuable when I tried to find my way back.


In fact, it seemed clear enough to me that I was not a priority, and not worth much to the fold in my wounded condition. 


Fact...


Pastors are busy preparing the next sermon series, planning the next community initiative, and purchasing the next plot of land for a new church plant. There's not a lot of time for lost sheep...if the pastor even notices anyone is lost. 

The pastor assigned to care ministries is busy with weddings, funerals, and hospital visits. Lost sheep are sometimes passed off to an elder. Elders are concerned with church business and church doctrine. Lost sheep in need of shepherding and care are passed off to counseling centers or lay leaders...maybe. Progress reports may be given...or not. 

Question...


Is that the same thing as shepherding and fathering/discipling? Scratching my head on that one.


The contemporary church seems far more about branding sometimes than about shepherding and familying when the sheep have wounds requiring long-suffering for indefinite periods of time. 


Sad reality...


The contemporary church is ill-equipped to adopt special needs sheep/family members who may not, or cannot, best represent the marketing initiatives of the church brand. 


My take...


Sheep hear about the brand and wander into the fold, and church leaders endeavor to care for them through outreach, teaching, discipleship, and replication...ideally in an efficient, linear progression. Sounds like an interesting concept, but kinda...I dunno...more like an institutional program and less like the rough, earthy, dangerous, and dirty work of shepherding. 


Somewhere along the way church leaders lose focus...probably because they take on more than they can support as if each person were a treasured family member worthy of the shepherd's/father's personal attention. 


Bummer.