Have you ever stopped to think about what (precisely) keeps you consistently connected to some people, while others fall by the wayside of your life? I think I always just assumed that connections are maintained or broken through simple realities such as peace or conflict, and presence or absence. Those assumptions kind of flew out the window for me today while I was driving with my daughter to Target.
We were talking about someone precious to us who's been through a really rough time lately. My daughter remarked that our dear one always seems the closest to us at the times when she expresses gratitude and appreciation for us, and seems the most disconnected from us when the gratitude fades away. I thought that was a profound observation for a 14 year old.
Yet, it's true, isn't it? The more gratitude we feel toward someone, the more connected we feel to them. Of course, it's obvious that when we experience conflict or disappointment with someone, gratitude isn't really the first thing that comes to mind. That realization started me thinking about how it is that we tend to solve problems and stay connected with some people but not others. It seems to me that gratitude plays a major role in our choices to maintain close connections with people.
When we fall into conflicts and run low on gratitude that is the beginning of disconnection. Conflicts draw our attention toward whatever has offended or disappointed us, and away from cultivating gratitude. It doesn't take long for gaps to develop, and relationships to begin falling apart.
However, if we take a cue from the apostle, Paul, we are likely to find a way to hurt less and heal more. In his letter to the Ephesians, Paul says, "I do not cease to give thanks for you." He minimizes the opportunity for conflicts and disappointments to do substantial damage to his relationship with the Ephesians by thanking God for them—remembering them in his prayers. Since we have evidence throughout the New Testament that Paul lived a life of prolific prayer, we can safely say that when Paul says, "I do not cease to give thanks for you" he's not inflating the truth.
Paul's heart of gratitude, and his practice of prayer, served to protect and grow his relationships with people in the church at Ehpesus. He communicates with them, and not only expresses his gratitude for the Ephesians, but also blesses them (Eph. 1:3) and instructs them throughout his letter. Paul is invested. These people were given to Paul in trust by God, and so he felt appropriately responsible to cultivate the relationship. He followed through with his calling.
So…what about us? Do we follow through with God's call upon our lives—His commandment to love others—and keep a hedge of protection around our relationships through gratitude and prayer? Think about a conflicted relationship in your life. What would happen if you decided to pray gratefully for the person/people without ceasing, even if the most you could initially feel gratitude for is God's opportunity to develop character and obedience in you through the conflict? What if you started these ceaseless prayers by calling for God's blessing over the person or people with whom you are in conflict?
I have tried this exercise myself, and it works to reveal my heart and shift the focus away from the conflict and toward my own flaws. More than that, it works to help me feel more connected to people and more willing to do my part in protecting the relationship. At times when I've thrown my hands up in the air, walked away, and not come back with a heart to settle the problem amicably, I have also stopped praying and blessing people. I have lost my gratitude, and ultimately my relationship. In sum, I've been disobedient.
However, when I've actively and consistently prayed for and blessed someone who has offended or disappointed me, the relationship may be rocked, but it remains in tact. Not only that, but the relationship heals and grows stronger. It's not rocket science, and it's not a secret.
When we follow God's design for love and relationship with people we experience fewer disconnections, and greater personal peace. I mean, it stands to reason that conflicts solved through obedience to God in prayer, and in gratitude, will lead to more peaceful lives. It really doesn't make sense to live any other way.
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